This Old Heart
by SkywalkerChild
Summary: Chakotay vents about Michael, after drinking Vulcan tea


Disclaimer: The gods at paramount own all.  
Spoilers: Um, you kind of have to have seen "Fair Haven" and "Spirit Folk" to get this.  
Rating: Um…PG, yeah, that sounds good.

This Old Heart

"Neelix wants to do what?"

Chakotay couldn't help but laugh. "I know, Captain, that was what I said. But he insisted that I speak to you about the matter. Or he would come in personally."

"So let me get this straight," Janeway said, setting down the cup of much needed coffee. "Neelix wants to hold a festival in honor of the ancient Vulcan holiday, Rumarie."

"Yes."

"But," she continued, taking the PADD from her first officer's hands, "this will require those who attend to grease their bodies and wear…" her eyebrows raised. "Practically nothing?"

"Exactly."

She sighed, leaning back in her chair. "What do you think, Commander? Would this be a good idea?"

"Well Captain, I…" He stopped and then started again. "Kathryn, the crew is going stir crazy. They haven't had shore leave in several months; they need some kind of distraction." He grinned. "Mr. Neelix's idea is a bit extreme, but it's the best idea anyone has had to date."

She did her best to hide a smile as she shipped her coffee. "Will you be attending? If I approve of Mr. Neelix's plan," she added playfully.

"As first officer, I should at least make an appearance. What about you?"

She tried not to choke on her coffee. "I think I'd ruin everyone's fun. And disturb more than a few of the younger crewmen." She gave the PADD back to the commander. "No, Chakotay, I think I'll be in my quarters that night. But tell Neelix that I approve of his idea."

"Aye, Captain."

Janeway looked up at him. "Was there something else, Commander?"

"I just wanted to say that I hope you reconsider attending. I think the crew would like to know that their captain isn't as uptight as she'd like them to believe."

She gave him a rueful smile. "I'll think about it."

"B'Elanna? What are you doing here?"

Torres shoved her way into Tom's quarters, shaking a PADD. "Have you seen what the attire is for this little party Neelix is throwing?"

Tom grinned. "Yeah, I have. I think it's funny. You don't have a problem with it, do you?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I do," she said, flopping down into one of his chairs. "The idea of wearing a leather bikini is just not really high on my list of things to do today."

Tom snaked an arm around her waist. "We don't have to go to the party," he said. "We could stay here and have our own little party."

She shoved him away. "No, Tom, I need to get out of these four walls."

"So we go to your quarters."

She shook her head. "Fine, eight walls. I need to do something with other people besides eat dinner.  
We're going to the party."

He sighed but smiled. "Well, seeing you in the leather bikini won't be too bad."

B'Elanna tried not to smile. "I'm making the top bigger when I replicate it."

"You're going to mess with a thousand year old tradition?" She glared. "You're right, it shouldn't surprise me." Tom walked over to his replicator and pushed a few buttons to make his own costume. 

"So, who else is going to show up?"

"Well," B'Elanna said, "Harry said he'll make an appearance as soon as Tuvok lets him off duty. Seven has said that she may attend if the Astrometrics lab is running efficiently."

"Which means she won't show up unless the Doctor drags her in by her implants," Tom said from inside his quarters. "Most of the Bridge crew from my shift is planning to attend."

"Yeah, the Engineering crowd is going to grace the party with its presence."

"What do you think?"

B'Elanna looked up from her data PADD and tried not to laugh. Tom was wearing what could only be described as a loincloth-a diamond shaped piece of fabric that placed a triangle on the front and back of his body. The corners that fell over his hips fell only about halfway down, leaving very little to the imagination.

"You must be freezing."

"Yes, as a matter of fact I am." He went to his closet and pulled out a shirt. "That's why I'm wearing this while we go to your quarters and until we get to the party."

Janeway sat curled up on her couch, looking over the warp core statistics again. Something had been off lately with the plasma injectors and now that she had the time to sit down and look at the data, the captain was determined to figure out what was going on. Even if it took all night.

The door chimed, startling her.

"Come in."

She didn't look up as the person entered, waiting for them to speak to her.

"I can assume you will not be attending the party tonight then, Captain?"

Janeway looked up and had to avert her eyes. Chakotay was wearing the diamond shaped cloth that Neelix had specified was the male attire for the evening at the Rumarie festival. She admitted that she had thought of him in it, but only briefly. She was much more pleased with the actual thing.

"And I can assume that you will be attending?" she retorted, forcing her eyes to meet his.

He smiled. "Like I said, as First Officer, I should at least make an appearance. Are you really planning on spending the whole night in here alone?"

"I won't be alone," she said, smiling lightly. "I have warp drive schematics to keep me company."

"Well, if you don't mind, maybe I'll come back later and make it a threesome." He felt his face blush. "Uh, that is…"

She chuckled, feeling her own face heat up. "I understand, Commander. See you later."

Chakotay left in a bit of a hurry, obviously trying to leave his embarrassment in the captain's quarters. Janeway was left to shake her head and chuckle some more at her endearing first officer.

The Holodeck had been magically transformed into a lush meadow surrounded by woods. Quite a few members of the crew were already there when Chakotay arrived. Most were sitting on green hills relaxing and talking with their crewmates. A few of the couples were sitting closer to the edge of the woods, as if they were trying to sneak into their darkness without detection.

"Commander! I'm so glad you decided to attend!" Neelix exclaimed, coming over to Chakotay with a glass in his hand. "Here, have some Vulcan spirits."

"The Vulcans make alcohol?" Chakotay asked, raising an eyebrow and contorting his tattoo?

"I didn't say that," Neelix responded. "It's a type of tea the Mr. Tuvok suggested would be appropriate for this festivity although he said the use of it would be "most illogical." Everyone seems to be enjoying it."

Chakotay took a sip. It wasn't as bland as he had expected; the taste alternated between berry and mint. "It's delicious, Neelix. Thank you."

"Is the captain coming behind you?" the morale officer asked.

"No, I'm afraid not. The captain is very busy with the warp core schematics. But she wants everyone to have a good time," he added.

"A shame," Neelix said, but then smiled. "But we will have enough fun for her and the rest of us. Come, Commander, recline on the hills and relax."

Chakotay smiled as he found a place on the hills and leaned back into the grass, taking another sip of the surprisingly tasty tea.

Janeway hadn't really expected him to return. She knew he would find some crew members who were not having a good time and try to cheer them up. And then he would start to have fun and would lose all track of time.

And she hadn't really been waiting for him. She had formed some preliminary theories on how to adjust the fluctuations and was going to present them to B'Elanna during the first duty shift tomorrow. So why then was she still up, staring at her own calculations, at 0130 hours when she should really be in bed?

The door chimed and she jumped a little, surprised that someone was there. Was it him? No, it was probably Tuvok who, noticing she was still awake, was coming to give her the security files for the past twenty-four hours.

"Enter."

It wasn't Tuvok who entered her quarters, but Chakotay. He had actually shown up. And still in his Rumarie attire. Why hadn't he gone to change first?

"Come to help me with the warp drive, Commander?" she asked, making her way towards the replicator. "Can I get you anything before we sit down?"

"No thank you, Captain, I'm fine." Janeway made her way back to the couch, cup of coffee in hand. "Have you found anything?"

Janeway nodded as she sipped her coffee. "I think it has to do with the EPS manifolds in that section. That's what all the data seems to point to at any rate. Here, have a look," she said, handing him the PADD B'Elanna had given her.

Chakotay took the PADD from her, his hand lingering just a little too long. Janeway wouldn't comment, but did put it away to note in her very personal log. And exactly how close was the commander sitting? Certainly closer than he usually did. Had he been drinking?

"You seemed to have figured it out all by yourself, Captain. I'm not sure why I came down to help you," he said, smiling as he handed the PADD back to her.

"Why did you come to help me, Chakotay?" she asked, using caution when forming her sentences. "You didn't even change…"

Chakotay looked down at himself and realized for the first time what he was, or rather, wasn't, wearing. "Captain, I am so sorry…" he began but she cut him off.

"It's all right, Commander. I'm sure you were just having such a good time at the party you didn't think to get changed. I just hope that if you come see me from the next party, the attire will require a little more…fabric," she ended, grinning.

Chakotay felt his face redden. "And on that note, Captain, I bid you good night," he said, standing up and making sure his loincloth didn't shift too much.

"See you in the Mess Hall at 0630 for breakfast?" she asked before he made his way out the door.  
He turned his head and smiled. "I wouldn't miss it."

Janeway practically stumbled into the Mess Hall. Why was it that, as a student, she could function on one hour of sleep for thirty-six hours, but as the captain, she was tired after one night of only getting four hours of sleep? Shaking her head, and then wishing she hadn't, Janeway stood before the counter.

"Neelix. Coffee," she stated flatly.

"I'm sorry, Captain," the Talaxian said, poking his head up from underneath the counter, "but I didn't get to make you coffee this morning."

"Great, and I'm out of replicator rations until tonight," she mumbled under her breath. She surmised that she could just pull rank and demand to be allowed some coffee, but she didn't really want to abuse her power. "Did you make anything hot and filled with caffeine, Neelix?"

"As a matter of fact, I still have a little bit of Vulcan tea from last night's festivities." The captain's raised eyebrow indicated she was clearly not pleased. "Oh, it's not like their normal teas, Captain. This recipe is over one hundred years old and quite risqué by Vulcan terms."

"Try it," said a soft, low voice from behind her. "It's actually quite good."

Janeway turned and smiled at her first officer. "Very well then, Neelix. Give me some of this wonderful Vulcan tea." She walked away from the counter not only with her tea but a plate of waffles as well. The syrup left something to be desired, but it wasn't bad as far as Neelix's cooking went.

The conversation at the table left something to be desired as well. Chakotay was less than vocal as he drank his own tea, and he wasn't eating his breakfast so much as rearranging it. Janeway watched for as long as she could before she had to say something.

"All right, Commander, what's wrong?" she asked, wiping the corners of her mouth and then setting down her napkin. "You haven't said more than ten words to me since you got in here."

"I'm sorry, Captain; I'm just a little…ashamed of my behavior from last night."

"Oh? Is that all? Your behavior was nothing to be ashamed of." He looked dubious. "I assumed that you had been drinking a tad excessively at the festivities. You weren't rude or vulgar; don't be concerned."

"Captain," he said, lowering his voice. "I showed up in your quarters barely clothed. That's not the way a first officer should conduct business with his captain."

Janeway put her hand over Chakotay's. "It's all right, Chakotay. Your…indiscretion is forgiven; think nothing of it."

"If you're sure, Captain," he said, still not looking at her.

She lifted his head so their eyes met. "Very sure, Commander." She smiled. "Now, enjoy your breakfast."

B'Elanna was fairly certain she had heard the door chime and so she stuck her head out of the bathroom. "Come in."

Tom walked in, his face very serious but strangely passionate. Wrapped in a towel, the chief engineer walked into her living quarters. "Is something wrong, Tom?"

He was on her in an instant, backing her into the nearest wall and kissing her fiercely. It startled her and, as much as she liked it, she pushed him away. The look in his eyes had changed, and she didn't like it very much. "Tom, what's wrong?"

"I just…had to see you," he said, breathlessly. B'Elanna looked at his clothes and realized he wasn't in uniform. He must have noticed. "I came right over here after I woke up."

"Well, Tom, as much as I want to stay here and play with you, we both have to get to work."

"No," he pleaded, holding her against the wall tightly, but not painfully. "Let's just take a few hours to be together."

"Tom, we were together all of last night," she said playfully, ducking under his arms and moving towards her wardrobe. "We eat, breathe and sleep together; can I at least get changed in private?" 

"I…I'm sorry, B'Elanna; I don't know what came over me. I'll go back to my quarters and get changed. I'll see you at lunch." He kissed her again, much softer and then left the room. B'Elanna shook her head and then started getting dressed.

Seven rubbed her temples. She had a headache. A rather nasty headache at that. She had been putting off dealing with it for as long as possible, but now she saw no other option. And that was why she sat in Sick Bay, allowing the Doctor to scan her.

"What is the source of my discomfort?" she asked as the hologram injected her with a hypospray.

"Something you ate or drank, I'd imagine," the Doctor said cheerfully. "This should alleviate the pain, but I am going to run a few allergy tests on you, just to be sure. I'm not sure why I didn't do this when you first came on board."

"I was…less than cooperative, if I recall correctly," Seven offered as an explanation.

"Quite true," he said absently. When he finished the scans, the Doctor raised an eyebrow. "Curious."

"Elaborate," she demanded.

"You appear to be allergic to mint. But only to Vulcan mint." The Doctor looked at her, obviously confused. "When would you have ingested Vulcan mint?"

Seven thought for a moment. "Earlier, at breakfast. Neelix's tea from last night had mint in it."

"Well, that shows you the danger of consuming Neelix's food." Seven gave him an incredulous look. "A joke, Seven. We've discussed humor."

"You are correct, Doctor. It was…amusing." She tried to smile.

"You should be feeling better now, Seven. Just don't ingest any of Mr. Neelix's cooking until you can identify its contents."

Janeway sat on the Bridge, glancing occasionally at her first officer. His eyes were focused on the PADD in his hand, never roaming to look at the con or at her.

She sighed. This is ridiculous, she thought, her eyes falling on the console between them. B'Elanna's EPS diagnostics rolled up the screen and Janeway was supposed to be checking for anomalous readings. She could have been doing it in her ready room, of course, but Janeway felt like she should be on the Bridge.

Something warm on her hand brought her out of the daze. Looking over, she saw Chakotay's face had turned pink underneath his tan.

"I'm sorry, Captain. I wanted to compare some statistics from the EPS and warp drive diagnostics."

Her voice got low. "Chakotay, you touched my hand. I'm not going to put you in the Brig for it." He nodded and she deliberately placed her hand on his arm. "Commander, you aren't feeling well. Go to Sick Bay; have the Doctor take a look."

Chakotay was going to protest but nodded instead. "Aye, Captain."

Chakotay stood slowly and made his way to the turbolift. Once inside, he smacked himself on the head repeatedly.

"Please state destination," the computer asked flatly.

"Deck Five," he said, leaning against the wall. The lift moved silently, giving Chakotay plenty of time to think. What was wrong with him? He shouldn't be feeling so shameful about something that didn't bother the captain in the least. And something that really wasn't that big of a transgression.

The lift stopped and Chakotay walked out, smiling politely and nodding as crewmembers walked by. He arrived at Sick Bay, took a breath and then entered.

"Computer, activate…"

"I'm already active, Commander. Is there something I can do for you?" The Doctor appeared from inside his office and smiled.

"Yes, actually, there is. Captain Janeway suggested that I come up here because I've been acting…strangely," he said, sitting on a biobed.

The Doctor began to scan him. "Strangely? Am I looking for an alien presence?"

"I don't believe so, no. But you might as well to be on the safe side."

The Doctor nodded and for a while the only sound in the Sick Bay was of the medical tricorder beeping softly. The Doctor frowned. "This is indeed odd."

"What is, Doctor?" Chakotay asked, trying to look at the findings.

The Doctor half-scowled and moved the tricorder out of the commander's line of sight. "You have an allergy to Vulcan mint."

Chakotay raised an eyebrow. "I do?"

The Doctor nodded. "Yes. And you are the fifth person to come in here today with this problem." He moved over to a console and called up Chakotay's medical file. "I find it extremely unlikely that Starfleet Medical would have neglected to put this in your files."

Chakotay spread his hand over his eyes and began to rub his temples with his thumb and middle finger. "I'll assume everyone said the source of this mint was Neelix's tea from the other night." Chakotay moved his hand. "Maybe we should find out what else was in Mr. Neelix's tea."

The Doctor nodded. "A wise decision. Do I have your permission to call in all members of the crew who have ingested Neelix's tea?"

Chakotay nodded. "That might be a very good idea, Doctor." He smiled as he hopped off the bed. "I'll go talk to Mr. Neelix."

"I don't understand, Commander," Neelix said when he was confronted. "I made the tea exactly to specifications. You can ask Mr. Tuvok; he's the one who gave me the recipe."

"It's all right, Neelix; I believe you. Send some of the tea to Sick Bay for the Doctor to take a look at though, okay?" Neelix nodded. "Good. Maybe Lieutenant Tuvok will have some more answers for me."

Janeway rested in the warm water, trying to slow down her mind. The warp core was still slightly askew, and now the deflector dish was starting to follow the same pattern. B'Elanna and Seven of Nine were working as fast as they could, but with every member of the crew going to Sick Bay for their check up by the Doctor, it was slow going.

"Chakotay to Janeway." Her first officer's voice sounded nice, even if it was a little tinny from the comm system.

"Go ahead, Commander," she said as she reached for a bar of soap.

"Captain, are you busy?"

She sighed. "How urgent is it, Chakotay? I just slipped into a bath."

"Oh uh…" Suddenly, the background noise disappeared. Where had Chakotay called her from? "Sorry, Captain, I didn't mean to interrupt you. But there is a problem with the crew…"

"I know, the allergic reaction to the tea, right?"

"Well, that's partially it." He paused. "Captain, I think you'd better come down to Tuvok's quarters and discuss this with us."

She sighed again. "I'm on my way."

"Aphrodisiac?" she asked incredulously.

Tuvok nodded. "Yes, Captain. The Rumarie is an ancient fertility festival. The tea recipe that I gave Mr. Neelix was used by my ancestors to make the situation more…interesting."

"And you didn't think to tell Mr. Neelix that?" Janeway asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I took out the aphrodisiac herbs from the list, Captain. Apparently, they were needed in order to make the tea benign."

"Have any of the crew been strangely…affectionate lately?" she turned and asked Chakotay.

"Not that anyone has reported, but that doesn't mean it isn't true."

"I do not understand why you would be concerned with that, Captain. As I have stated, I removed the herbs from the recipe that make the tea potent."

"Tuvok, in many cases, it is the combination of herbs, not just one herb, which causes the effect. Or maybe the lack of herbs is causing some of the…unusual behavior in crewmembers," she said, her eyes falling heavily on Chakotay, who tried not to flinch.

"Doctor to Captain Janeway."

Janeway tapped her combadge. "Go ahead, Doctor."

"Captain, this tea that Mr. Neelix has been serving the crew; it appears to alter the chemical reactions in the brain. But the changes are inconsistent; every person reacts differently."

"Tell me, Doctor, why do you think that I haven't been affected; I did drink some of the tea, and I've reported no reactions, allergic or otherwise?" Janeway queried.

"The Captain's record for not reporting illness notwithstanding, I think it may have to do with the amount of the tea you ingested. All those who have become "allergic," so to speak, all had it at the party and the following morning."

"But what about Seven of Nine?" Chakotay asked. "She was the first person to report the ill-effects."

"It's intriguing. Seven of Nine's Borg technology rejected the herbs and in that rejection caused her to become ill."

"Thank you, Doctor. Janeway out." She heard the line close and then she looked to her first officer and Tuvok. "All right. Tuvok, you go down to the Mess Hall and have Neelix stop serving the tea. Commander, you're with me."

Once they had left Tuvok's quarters, Chakotay and Janeway made their way to the Bridge and her ready room. There they began to construct a notice for all of the crewmembers. Chakotay seemed distracted however.

"Commander, what is it? We know why you were acting so strangely; it's over. Stop feeling guilty about the situation."

"Captain I…I have to tell you something."

Janeway raised an eyebrow. "All right, Commander, what is it?"

He got up and sat on the couch. Curious, Janeway followed him, sitting down next to him. He moved closer to her and put a hand on her knee. "Kathryn, I…I don't think that my behavior lately can be solely attributed to Neelix's tea. I'm…well, I've decided I'm jealous."

"Jealous?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Yes…jealous of…Michael." Janeway opened her mouth to speak and he shook his head. "Look, I've got to get this out before I lose all my nerve. When I told you that Michael being a hologram shouldn't stop you, I wasn't lying to you. But then I started to think about it. Kathryn, he looked an awful lot like me. And don't say I'm imagining things. Lots of people noticed it. He's now my height, has a personality much like mine, and he's obviously won your heart, which is where he and I differ." He smiled slightly. "That and I don't go to the top of trees screaming out your name." Janeway chuckled.  
"I know that you're lonely, Kathryn, and that the Holodeck is a good place to get the affection you need but…if you wanted someone like me, why can't you just be with me?"

"Chakotay," she started, not looking him in the eyes, "things are complicated, you know that. I'm the Captain, you are the First Officer; we don't have the luxury of emotions. If anything were to happen…"

"What, Kathryn? Are you afraid you might be happy again? Do you want to sleep in the arms of a few glorified photons and forcefields for the rest of the trip home? Everyone's done their share of that; we all know how ultimately unrewarding it is." Chakotay stood up and began to pace.

Janeway sat there, silent. He was right, of course. Michael's arms were safe, they were strong, but they weren't real. Chakotay was real. Very real. He always had been that real for her.

"Seven years of this, Kathryn. Seven years. Candlelit dinners, talking until the wee hours of the morning and then complete and total rejection when I get within twelve light years of telling you how I feel. And then you throw Michael in my face…"

Janeway jumped up and stood in front of him, stopping his pacing. "Oh, because I've enjoyed all the women I've seen you with. The former Borg woman? Species 8472? Chakotay, you are not without fault in this situation."

He put his hands on her shoulders. "What else was I supposed to do, Kathryn? You couldn't make up your mind, but those women could. I'm not saying it's right, but I don't think anyone else on the ship blames me for what I've done."

She put her hands on her hips and Chakotay backed off. "I'm sorry, Kathryn, but a man can only take so much. Go back to the arms of your holo-lover; he won't put up a fight like I will."

Chakotay stormed out of the Ready Room, startling the bridge crew and the captain.

I need a drink.

Chakotay didn't drink often or anything extremely heavy. But it had been two weeks since he had charged out of the Captain's ready room, and the same amount of time since they had spoken to each other on a level other than extremely formal.

He definitely needed a drink.

But isn't that what got you into this mess? Drinking unknown liquids has never been a vice of yours, why start now? The voice in his head was always a little too logical. 

But somehow, Chakotay found himself on Holodeck One, running one the Fair Haven program. He'd turned off all the other patrons. It was just the Michael and him. And lots of alcohol. Chakotay loved taking the safeties off.

He heard the door of the bar open and he frowned. No one holographic should be here, which meant that a crewmember was invading his wallowing. Serious thoughts of demotion came to his mind, until he heard the voice.

"Katie! You've come back."

Chakotay glared at the holographic bartender. He wanted to smash the glass he was holding over his Irish head. But Kathryn had come over and given Michael a hug, squishing Chakotay's violent desire.

"Michael, could you please leave us alone for a moment?" she asked, politely.

"Of course Katie," he said pleasantly, disappearing inside a back room. Kathryn watched him leave with a smile but then turned her attentions back to her first officer.

"Chakotay, you've been in here for three hours. What are you doing?"

"Getting absolutely hammered, thank you for asking. Now, if you don't mind," he said, gesturing towards the door with his empty glass, "I have some more drinking to do.

She snatched the glass from his hand. "Chakotay, I want to talk to you."

He raised an eyebrow, contorting his tattoo. "What?"

She opened her mouth and then paused. "Computer, end program"

The pub flickered around them and left only the hologrid behind. Chakotay's drink and barstool disappeared, but he had braced himself with his feet so as not to fall.

"What?" he asked again.

She looked him over carefully then took his hand. "Do you honestly think Michael could replace you?"

"I didn't realize I was in a position where replacement was an option."

She smiled at him, but his face remained solid. She sighed. "Chakotay, I just need more time."

"Time! Time, Kathryn? You've had almost seven years! If you're not going to love me the way I love you, then please just tell me. I will then go and drown my sorrows in more alcohol, but emerge a competent first officer again. But if you can love me, and you want to, you'd better tell me soon. Because I'm an old man, Kathryn; my heart can't take all this strain."

He turned to leave and was almost to the door when he felt her hand on his arm. He tried to pull away but her grip was surprisingly strong and so he put on his mask of apathy and turned around. "What?"

She kissed him. It was cliché, it was predictable, but it felt so good and right that Chakotay didn't care that she hadn't told him how she felt or what this would all mean. He just wrapped his arms around her and pulled her close and kissed her like he'd meant to for seven long years.

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